We are 6 weeks as of yesterday until the first Sunday of the NFL season. Sure, you have preseason, and sure the Packers go to Seattle to play the Seahawks on Thursday, September 4th. But the real action starts on that Sunday. And it is pretty dead in the sports world until then.
Unless you’re 1 of the 14 members of the Kelly Kapowski Fantasy League. If you’re in that league, in which I am the commissioner of, then things are already well underway, and August is the month where championship’s are really won.
The boys all have to have their 10 player keeper list along with the new contracts that those players will receive in by August 6th. Then, the expansion draft with newcomers Chris McQuid, Shane Tomayer, and the 45 like return to fantasy football by Brian Davies. Once they have hand picked their 10 keepers, the best part of this league will transpire….the rookie draft.
Yes, this fantasy league has a rookie draft. Just about anything you could imagine for a fantasy league, the Kelly Kapowski delivers on. Rookie draft? Yep. Individual Defensive Players? Yep. Our league has a salary cap, and an in person auction for the free agents. This isn’t child’s play, this is the elite of fantasy football.
Yes, much like the dreamy teenage girl this league is named in honor of, the Kelly Kapowski Fantasy League has it all. And the owners are a who’s who of life. For real, nobody knows who the f**k we are. Until now…
First you have me. Team name…Mav & Goose. I have 1 league title under my belt in 2009 in this league’s former incarnation. To go with that league title, a league final appearance in 2008, 1st in the regular season in 2012, and 2nd overall in last year’s regular season.
However, a decent track record has been spoiled of late by what can only be described as choke jobs in the playoffs. It is never easy disappointing your fans, but as an owner and GM, you can only buy the groceries, it is up to the players to cook the meal.
Then we have our reigning Zach Morris, Jonathan Stretch, team name Megatronic. It was a long, hard road to the top for the man simply known as “Stretch” (I believe the nickname comes from the fact that he’s done yoga).
Beginning in 2007, Jon started out on a 5 year plan, and that was just to get in the playoffs. But now he has TRANSFORMED (see what I did there?!) his team into a league powerhouse. While he’s the reigning Zach Morris, his team is more so like Slater.
The Kelly Kapowski unlike any other league is not immune to team names inspired by the tremendous FX drama “The League”. Dirty Randy (Trevor Sonfloo), Ruxin’s All-Stars (Paul Ledrew), and The Vinegar Strokes (Adam Meier) are all league owners who could not hide their love for the TV show.
Sonfloo and Ledrew are long time league owners, entering their 8th and 7th years in this league respectively, still in search of their 1st league title. Meier, upon hearing the news of the league’s overhaul and of more importance it’s name change last season, jumped at the opportunity to purchase an expansion team.
Meier hails from Saskatoon, along with fellow 2013 new comer Kirk Sibbald, proud owner of Show Me Your TD’s. Sibbald had an up and down first season, but managed to sneak into the playoffs where as we all know anything can happen. That Sunday, anything DID happen as Show Me Your TD’s in their first season pulled off one of the biggest upsets in league history by switching to guns and shooting down Mav & Goose.
Now while that was an incredible upset, it may not have been the biggest upset last season. That may have come in week 1, and once again your’s truly was on the receiving end of it, and once again it was by a man named Kirk.
Yes Kirk Graham, proud owner of the ever so cleverly named expansion team Kirk’s Jerks, behind Peyton Manning’s record setting week 1 performance overcame the team who at the time was the odd’s on favorite to run away with Kelly (Vegas had it at 5/2 odds).
However after things looked so promising coming out of week 1, Mr. Graham’s Jerks had a tough go of things and ended up being our Screech with a 2-11 record.
Graham might not have the least amount of thought put into his team name though. Darcy Hoffus is a seasoned league veteran of 8 years and still is rocking the oddly named Coyote. Nobody seems to know if HE is a Coyote, or if he’s just really a big fan of the animal, it really makes no sense. But he is one of the Kapowski’s proudest owners and never gives in on a good trade offer, no matter how good it may make his “pack”, he believes in HIS guys taking him to an 7th-11th place finish.
A good fantasy league name is tough to come by. A popular choice by a lot of fantasy owners is to go with a wrestling reference. I went this route in the former incarnation’s inaugural season when I formed the Bushwackers. Like the real life tag team, my fantasy team was just a jobber as they would say in the wrestling world going 1-12.
Another famous wrestling attempt in the former incarnation was the swing and a miss known as the Altimate Warriors. No, I did not spell that wrong, Mr. Grayson Wells did (who recently got married, congrats buddy!!! Ahhhh who am I kidding you’re not reading this).
3rd times a charm as they say, as owner Colin Budd, whom returned to this league after a 2 year hiatus last season, went with a timeless classic….Stylin’ and Profilin’. While he isn’t limousine ridin’, nor is he jet flyin’, Budd is a crafty fantasy sports veteran and always a serious threat come playoff time, proven by his 2 fantasy hockey titles in 3 years, both of which he entered the playoffs as an afterthought.
Colin made a comeback last year, of course I mentioned earlier that Brian Davies is making his highly anticipated comeback this season, the man known to the public as the Lumber King, Shane Tomayer is an expansion owner whom everyone has incredibly high expectations. The man Forbes dubbed “the next Donald Sterling”, the Lumber King has owners taking notice moving forward.
But the expansion owner that might have the rest of the league on edge THIS season is fantasy football veteran Chris McQuid, owner of the newly formed Fightin’ Beavers. The big conundrum that McQuid and the Beavers pose to the rest of the league centers around the 4th pick in the rookie draft. The guy straight up has the best poker face in the league and that could be a real turning point in the rookie draft.
Totally unrelated to a player the future mayor of Lloydminster is a fan of….Thomas Miller owner of 2nd year club “Tanking for Manziel”. This was one of the poorest tank jobs in pro sports history as Miller finished an unimpressive and far below expectations 4th overall last season.
Fans of the club were irate, as many Manziel uniforms had already been purchased in anticipation of the former Texas A&M star. And of course now ownership faces the possibility of the much dreaded name change. A solid contender on paper, but will the off field distractions hurt them in their quest for either a league title, or a tank for Florida St. QB Jamies Winston?
Thomas is a native of Vancouver, B.C., and proving that the Kelly Kapowski does indeed touch people coast to coast, last but definitely not least is owner Chris Roberts. Now the reason Chris is last is because his team name is perhaps the most controversial team name in all of sports. ESPN refuses to acknowledge it and they still say “Redskins” on their airwaves!
It was not intentional of Chris Roberts to come up with his team name, completely accidental. And me, being the great commissioner I am, decided to let it stand despite all the protests and thousands upon thousands of emails I’ve received. This man may have a Dan Snyder reputation, but at his core he is a Dan Rooney type.
Roberts controversial club turned in the best performance of all the expansion teams, finishing 3rd overall (which is in the money) in the regular season, and then making it all the way to the finals. It is only a matter of time until the Kelly Kapowski league trophy finds itself sitting in a lighthouse overlooking the Atlantic ocean.
So while training camps are now officially open in the NFL, the Kelly Kapowski is now back open for business, like we all wish she was during the Saved By the Bell days. It is only fitting that 14 men battle it out for 16 Sunday’s to win the affection of the early 90’s goddess.
Follow me on twitter @TJ_Soups